The Cupboard is Bare

Jack opened the fridge door at the weekend and swung unhappily from side to side. Then he opened and closed the drawers at the bottom of the fridge.

Working so fast in the kitchen, I blur.

"There's nothing in here," he moaned. "We haven't got any food."
"I think you'll find we have got food."
"Nothing we can actually eat."

I joined him at the fridge door.

"Stop swinging," I said. "And look, there's your favourite yoghurt; Yeo Valley organic strawberry, and there's half a tub of cream cheese, some satsumas, some spring onion, milk, butter, a bit of asparagus, a couple of potatoes, and an onion, and over there... some apples in the fruit bowl."

I opened the freezer door, "And we've got some pork chops, a chicken, chicken livers, a huge leg of lamb, and some broccoli, some chives, lemon thyme, and mince meat."

Then I opened the cupboards, "A few tins of beans, loads of lentils, passata, rice, tuna, hot chocolate, pasta, flour..."

"Yes, but nothing I can actually eat. We haven't had crisps for months."

"These are all meals," I said, "you'll see."

I'm finding it really difficult to fill the fridge and keep it stocked. Food is simply too expensive, and I'm sure the nation is groaning under the pressure just like me. I don't think I've ever found things this difficult before, and trust me, it's been bad.

Also, I'm kind of 'between jobs', and as I'm self-employed, Jobseekers Allowance is not really worth investigating. I'd be better off trying to pick up extra work elsewhere (trouble is 'elsewheres' are being closed down). I did step foot in the Jobcentre, I asked for advice and the lady said all they do is hand out benefits. My eyes pleaded with her, 'oh help me' I nearly screamed, it was only 9.10am, the chairs in the waiting area for benefits were filling up, behind me a queue was forming and it trailed outside the door and onto the path.

"I wish I could help," she said sympathetically. I had to try very hard to stop myself from crying. A man elbowed his way to the desk, pushing me to the side. "I'm talking to this woman," snapped the lady, "wait your turn."

I sent my CV off to an agency, it was for a position much junior than anything I've done before, but the money wasn't bad, and it was close so I could cycle there. The recruitment agent called me up. "How old are you," she asked. "Thirty-three," I said, "but I'm sure you're not supposed to ask my age."

"You could definitely do this job," she said. "You've had a lot of experience, and you're well qualified, but how would you feel working under someone else --- the woman you'd be working under, she's not going anywhere."

"I'd be happy to," I said. "I don't mind."

Anyway, that was that. I wasn't suitable for the job, because I'd be able to do it.

In my attempt to keep afloat, I've investigated the Sainsbury's feed your family for £50 planner, and I think it's a load of shite. If you ate that much 'basics' wholemeal bread, you'd be crying into the toilet, and then sticking your head in it. Also, shopping from week to week like that could be expensive. And there's no fun in that menu, and no wine.

I'm running my own feed your family on sawdust experiment. But as ours is a family of two, I need to feed us on £25 a week, just for the sake of healthy competition. And that will include washing powder, shampoo etc. I absolutely don't believe in buying everything from a basics range either. Poor people need to eat well too.

So: two weeks ago I spent £70 in Sainsbury's. This week I spent £30 in Aldi. I have friends over for lunch on Wednesday, and then dinner Wednesday evening.  This means I can't buy any more food until June 13th.

So, what did I cook yesterday out of our non-existent food? A freaking enormous homemade lasagna, that's what, whilst Jack cleaned out his bedroom with his Grandad.

"Food tastes nicer when you have a tidy bedroom," he mused as we hung out in his room. "I really enjoyed that lasagna.'

So we won't starve if we stay clean and tidy.

And, thank God, I have plenty of stock cubes.

Q2: Should I Start a Blog?

Not this reader's ex-husband

Dear Maria,

I first spotted you when compiling a column / possible future blog about being a single mum, bought and read your book and was impressed --- then I lost heart with the idea a bit, then was completely knackered but carried it on on the quiet, and now have a healthy log of work to offer someone, somewhere!

When most people think of a single mum, it is of what you have written about; but there are a great many women like me who become single after marriages fall apart: me in my forties and many, many in their thirties, and I think there is room for a voice at that end of the spectrum.

I would still dearly like a magazine / newspaper column but haven't really had the courage or the wherewithall or confidence or space to do much about it until now, and there was your very kind and generous invitation!  Too good to pass up, I feel.     

My children are young, 2 and nearly 6 and I am ancient; so I was thinking of calling my possible blog something to do with middle-aged (single) mum but haven't got down to the nitty gritty yet.  I am presently wading through 'Blogging for Dummies' which is a bit daunting, but I am getting there.

I would also love an Agent, so enclose Column 1 that was originally written for a wider audience and would have to be edited to be more blog like, but I was thinking of being honest about my intentions and perhaps introducing the columns as they stand.

Very best wishes.  

Thank you for your time and effort.

Anon

Dear Anon,

Metaphor for life No. 134: 
Sort your shit out and then start decorating.

It was great to receive your email and I really enjoyed the samples you sent to me.  Brilliant that you bought, read, and enjoyed my book. Thanks!

I think you are absolutely right, there are lots of women who find they are single mothers in their forties, and also lots of women who wonder what it might be like to take the plunge to leave their husbands. So you definitely have something there, especially if you don't mind writing the truth about what you feel and have experienced. 

I suppose this is the big one; would you be happy to write this book, blog, column, and stand in the playground chatting to other mums knowing that they have a back catalogue of history on you, and you don't on them? Would you be happy to go on a date with someone who researched you and read your book first? These things aren't very cool, and you can find yourself stuck with things to say if you've already said most of it online (I speak from my own experience --- and I'd bet my dodgy little toe that this is the same for other blog to bookers too.)

Feeling comfortable with this (paranoid) feeling is harder than you might think; and I wonder if lots of bloggers wrestle with the very show and tell nature of what they write?

Health warning over, I'll give you the advice you want to hear. I'd say writing a blog is a good route to trying to secure a book deal or a column. I say this because it has worked for many people, including me. However, there is a difference between blogging what happens each day, and blogging what is actually a story, with a hook, and a quest element. So before you begin, think about your story. Where does it begin, where might it end, what are you going to explore, and how are you going to do it? You need a beginning, a muddle, and an end.

What are your motivations? I began blogging because it was a creative exercise that interested me; it wasn't just about writing a diary online. I wanted to learn and understand how a story could be told online. I'd completed an MA in novel writing, played with short fiction, read at events, gone to events, written crappy plays and so on.  

So, I think that if you want the blog to have a life outside of the blogosphere you should approach it from a writerly angle and a story angle, i.e. the main thing you want to do is to tell this story, and the blog is only a part of that.

You could, of course, not set up a blog and simply approach agents with your material and see what happens.

I take no professional responsibility whatsoever for the following, but I reckon you should:

Try your idea out, give it an existence other than on your computer and see what happens. Once you create something, and it has movement, it begins take on a life of its own: like water down a rockface, it will find its way, or simply dry up.

You could:

• Contact a few newspapers, magazines, etc, and try to get an article on this idea commissioned. 
• Read your columns out at an event.
• Organise a discussion group around the theme (a teaparty for charity or something)
• Talk about the issue on local radio.
• Join a writers group.
• Set up a blog, website, podcast, Vlog etc,

In many ways, all of the above can be strengthened by having an online presence. It's useful to have something to show.

It seems to me from your email that you are feeling cautious. Convince yourself that the absolute worst that can happen is that someone will say no; yes, your ego will take a bashing, you will sit on the sofa and chew your hair, you might drink too much wine, but 'No' is only a word... if you hit a 'No' then you need to be canny, and like water over a rockface, avoid the lumpy bits, and find another way around.

Write on!

Maria xx  

I will answer questions for cash: if you donate to cancer research here RACE FOR LIFE...

How to Write the Perfect Synopsis

Cash for Questions raising money for Cancer Research

I you have a question, donate here, Race for Life and I'll find an answer for it

Please don't eat me Ms Publisher

What makes the perfect synopsis? 

Asked by Peter Humphries

1.     How much of the plot should you give away in a synopsis? Should you give everything? Won't that damage the agent's 'pure' reading of the novel, especially if there's a sting in the tail?

2.     Do agents want a purely 'nuts & bolts' account of your novel, or is the writer expected to embellish for effect, as they might when selling it to potential readers?

3.      Should writers highlight the ways in which their novel might be marketed, or leave this to the agent?

From the horse's mouth: for purposes of this conversation, I am the horse.

How to write a good synopsis seems to plague writers. It’s a part of the job that makes even the most able writer quiver: "How can I get the story of that beautiful long novel I’ve written into just a few paragraphs?" 

Well, I’m not an agent, so I can’t say exactly what an agent might be looking for – and so I asked my agent, Jon Elek (see his answers below). My advice is a bit more airy-fairy; I know that the end goal is for your synopsis to woo the agent or editor, and so, being a romantic, I’ll talk about that.

I reckon that half the time an agent only knows what he/she is looking for when it lands on their lap.

When I got my first agent following a chatty email, ( despite reading “do not send an email" on the agency's submissions page), he jumped at the chance because he wanted a writer like me; and I wanted an agent like him. I told him that. He told me that. Simple. Then when I went for a different agent, I also knew what I was looking for, and so did he. I was more mature, and was on the look out for something with commitment.

This writer/agent union is vague. If I were to pose a similar question to: "How can I woo an agent with my synopsis?" it would be: “How do butterflies have sex?”

So I reckon this union just happens: it’s a bit like attraction, which is why your synopsis is so important.

Your big love is your book, you want to ignite the passion in someone else, and the only true way of doing this is by submitting something that is honestly representative of you. If they like you, brilliant. If they don't, someone else will.

Occasionally, I’ve pretended to be someone else (like…erm… a bit of a smart arse… posh and clever…intelligent) and it hasn’t worked. When I am true to myself, it does.

Also, there are heaps of books on What You Should Do:

RULE 1. Read the submission guidelines.

RULE 2 Kiss ass.

But, well, I think the only rule you can follow (aside from not submitting on purple paper in vomit) is “What do you think is the best way of representing your book?”

I do believe that only you will instinctively know the course of action to take for your book: seriously you do, don’t you? Pay attention to that little voice in your heart, be a little bit fearless, and do it. (Says the woman who takes three weeks to make a phonecall.)

   

Other things I’ve learned so far, and can be filed under common sense:

Think of the synopsis not as the great selling tool to get the best agent in the world, to get the biggest book deal ever known to mankind, and become the biggest bestseller known to mankind. It’s too much pressure.

See the synopsis as a conversation between you and a potential agent or editor: you love your book, and this is your chance to make them love it too. By this point you should have done your research, and so you’ll know the kind of book your recipient (agent/editor) champions. Don’t look at his/her list and think: ‘You can’t sell chillies to Chileans.’ (ask this man if he does), and don't send your historical fiction to a science fiction fanatic because you think he/she could do with a change.

I wonder if writers are a bit scared of agents (I know I used to be), but they are just people, doing a job, like you. They aren’t Greek gods about to strike you down. They're pretty nice, and will take you for dinner when you are starving and want to get pissed. It’s quite like matchmaking, you’ll find the perfect match, but only if you know what you are looking for. 


So, the secret is to know... what, why and how you want Agent Zeus to represent your book.  

Starving writer will be yours for ample portions

 And now, the actual real answers to What Makes the Perfect Synopsis

by Jon Elek (literary agent at AP Watt)

1. Keep it brief and simple. You want to be tantalized in the way that, say, good jacket copy is tantalizing. If it has a sting in the tail, don’t reveal it.

2. I wouldn’t want to speak on behalf of anyone but myself, but no, I don’t want a ‘nuts and bolts’ account of anyone’s submission. You end up glazing over when you’re reading about what’s happening to characters you don’t know and don’t, as a result, care for, in some overlong (i.e. anything over than 250 words) synopsis of a novel.

3. Comparisons can be useful but use them sparingly. If you are up to speed on publishing language, then use it, I guess. But only if you really know what you’re talking about. Oh, and try not to talk about the themes of your book – talk about the story.

Questions on writing to be published

So I have a few questions:

Number One: sending a synopsis to an agent.
Number Two: starting a blog as a means to getting published

And I shall work on these, and post them up very, very soon.

Any more questions, fly them over.

Maria x

Dear Reader: Cancer Research

A truly great, very missed, mum

Dear Readers, (cash for questions, see below)

I know you are fabulous. You're so fabulous. And you're probably a mum. Or you may indeed have a mum. You may even be a dad.

Last year a friend of mine died quite suddenly. Ah, she was a beautiful woman, very gentle, and a truly good friend. She was also mum to two children; Katie (then 11), and William just four, now five.

She went so, so quickly, there was no treatment, as such. She fell ill, worsened rapidly, and then she was gone.

Whenever I think of this special mum, I cry... yes, even now, as I write this, I cry.

Her daughter is now twelve, her mum loved running (Katie, I suspect, does not love running as much!) and so Katie, to raise money to help other families, will complete a charity run this summer.

She wants to reach her target and is almost there. 

I want you to help her, donating even a little will make such a big difference.

Click here on RACE FOR LIFE

See this as CASH for Questions. Donate and in exchange:

You can ask me whatever you like: 

• How to get your blog published
• How to attract an agent
• Should you pursue a creative writing MA?
• Anything about my once interesting love life
• Anything about my book, story, even my Bra size.

Anything at all... maybe not my weight? Oh, go on then!

You can email me, (link at the side of this page) or ask a question here. 

*Another daughter, this time a much bigger girl (my age), lost her mum to cancer last week. Again, it was rapid. I always thought cancer took you slowly, but sometimes it steals in and whips you away within the bat of an eye.

Below is a message from Katie's donation page, written by the Supergirl herself.

I've decided to do this with some of my friends and their mums in memory of my special mum who sadly passed away in August 2010.She died of cancer which was undiagnosed which meant we had little time to say goodbye.

She was a wonderful mum to me and my younger brother William, stepmum to Michael and loving partner to David. She enjoyed spending time with her children and always made us feel special. She always made a big effort with birthdays and special occasions.

She is really missed by us all everyday.

We want to raise as money as possible for Cancer Reseach in memory of mum and to help beat cancer.

Oh yes, vote for me here: don't be shy

Top 25 Blogs on Single Parenting

To be honest I'm a little bit crap at keeping this blog updated, but someone likes me somewhere. That's a relief.

More top quality content heading your way soon, with headline grabbing topics such as:

"I camped in the back garden"

and

"Why I really took up rowing."

Maria x